[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PanmzRhhXBI]

My youngest daughter dabbled with the Hawaiian language while we were away, with the words used most being ‘greetings’ and ‘thank you’, respectively, ‘aloha’ and ‘mahalo’. In her bid to display this newly acquired knowledge, she would often say ‘ma laho’. The word ‘laho’ in Niuean means ‘penis’. Communicating effectively involves dialogue that is understood as intended by the parties involved. I came to the realisation during our holidays and for the greater part of this time that we communicated very well with people outside the sphere of our immediate family. Technology has made this so easy and convenient that it’s actually quite intrusive. One night while I was enjoying this succulent lobster that had survived the dangers in the sea only to land on my plate coated with the most beautiful garnish and juices, I noticed my other half texting, and my older children either playing games or updating their Facebook posts. My youngest daughter and I were actually the only one’s savoring the moment. She of course by this stage had gotten past the male anatomy and was greeting people correctly. I’m not sure if I would have survived the impending kick in the ass, slap across the face or other physical or verbal abuse I would have struck if I did the same thing 30 or 40 years ago at the dinner table. Back then you simply came to the table, ate your meal and your attention was only with those around you. You interjected politely with conversation or spoke only when spoken to. It was a brief moment in the day to edify your family bond. I miss those days. Oh enough rambling, good morning sweet iPad, let me wrap you back up snugly while I catch up on some lost sleep.

When I was small my mother and closest aunties called me ‘fonu’ right up until they passed away, which in the Niuean language means turtle. The name fonu became so commonplace, that I just don’t think they knew my real name. My mother spoke the tiniest bit of English and being the eldest, I was her translator for a great deal of the time. She spoke to me in broken English, and I replied back in broken Niuean. The reason for being called fonu was never explained to me, so I’m wondering whether it was the way I moved when I was a hatchling. Or, perhaps there was no adequate translation for the name ‘David’ and they thought, ‘what the heck, lets call him turtle’. I would like to think, that it’s symbolic for being ahead or beating something even when it looks like the odds are up against you. Today, I snorkeled at Black Rock, Maui and came very close to a Green sea turtle. It must have been close to 5′ in length and glided past me en-route to the ocean. I could not even attempt to describe this experience. This will forever be one of the highlights on this trip.

OK, this rant is going to be a weird one bordering on the ‘looney tunes’ and venturing into the ‘what the’ … For the past 6 months or so I’ve been seeing the numbers 444 quite often and ordinarily I wouldn’t have blinked an eye lid, nor even shrug my shoulders as I would with the cocky confidence of someone who hadn’t broken one of their shoulders in a rugby game 3 years ago. Actually, lets not go there since Brad always reminds me that my come back ended after only 20 mins of play into the season. The words ‘pussy’ and ‘cry baby’ often accompany his taunts, just wait till he turns ‘almost’ 50. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I would wake up at 4:44am, or check the time in the afternoon and it’s 4:44pm. I count the occassions only where I would unconsciously or randomly check the clock. Another time, Brad and I went on a shopping spree buying clothes and the bill came to $444. Another time, Lisa flicked her mobile on while I was filling the car with gas and it was 4:44pm. I returned after paying for the gas, switched the car on and the clock read 4:44pm (this clock was about 4 mins slower than Lisa’s mobile). A delivery box arrived at the door one time, and I noticed the freecall number had 444 in it. When I was on holidays last Christmas, a buggie drove past with the number plate ’44’ and then immediately after that another vehicle drove past, a utility van with the number plate ‘4’. Today, one of my bank balances had the numbers 444 in the total. There are ton’s of examples, so I’m dumbfounded wondering whether this is all a sign, a message or some revelation. What are the chances? Or am I focusing so much on these numbers that I notice them more now? Due to the high frequency of visions, I’m now discounting the waking up at 4:44am because surely that has be a body clock thing, right? I had to turn to the all knowing Google and you wouldn’t believe the number of people who experience the same thing, so I’m not alone in this phenomenom. Go ahead, Google it. Essentially most of the articles in Google refer to the thousands of angels that surround me at the time I experience the 444. I’m praying that the angels are offering their protection as opposed to them waiting for me to catch the ‘deep sleep bus’. The Chinese consider the number 4 to be auspicious, so maybe I’m seeing ‘die die die’ flashing before me, but then again among all the other Chinese superstitions they also believe that wearing a moustache is considered bad luck and beating a person with a broom will bring bad luck for many years. No wonder the vacuum industry does so well in China.

Just a couple of tips on how to interact with someone like me. I do feel obliged to spell this out so people can stop freaking me out. I’m not trying to be cavalier about this, nor do I wish to offend, but I am working on an alternative secret Colonel Sanders recipe to get myself out of this bind. Unfortunately, this plan is very fragile and can all come to nought at the slightest suggestion of failure or negativity, even when naively offered. 1. I have cancer, not the common cold. Please stop telling me it’s going to be alright unless you know the definitive cure for Cancer. The doctors tell me that the disease reacts differently for everyone. I could be a nifty bag of garden fertiliser within 12 months, or I could be writing a book about how I beat this, fathered 10 more children, won the lottery and how I now appreciate cigars and pedicures. 2. True, I won’t have further use for my wardrobe and that this space will be available sometime in the future, but you will have to search and bid for this piece of real estate on eBay like everyone else. 3. Be prepared for a paternity test, if you’re hoping to turn up for a cut of the Insurance handout. You should know that Brad is not the sharing kind and is currently learning Brazilian Ju Jitsu, and I think he knows how to dish out guillotine choker holds now. 4. Any funeral directors touting for business will need to have a qualified dog handler with them. My dog ‘Dawgie’ has a bite worse than his bark. I am however interested in genuine, no corners cut, Viking Burning Ship Burials’ at Sea, quotes. 5. I AM trying to be positive, and it’s bloody hard when everyone keeps reminding me to remain positive. What I really need is an introductory course in Shaolin Monkism Meditation 101 (in 5 easy steps). If anyone knows where I can pick up the tapes for this, please let me know. I can pick up or arrange delivery at my expense. If it’s a book, make sure it has lots of pictures, preferably cartoons … my attention span is almost non-existent and I’m easily entertained. If the CD has music, ideally monkeys should be able to dance to it. 6. If you really want to cheer me up, I enjoy Chicken Laksa, Mud Crab, Crayfish, Pineapple Lumps, Tamarillos and Coffee from Bonjour Patisserie (Wahroonga). 7. If you think you’re beautiful then a hug would be warmly and immensely appreciated. Groping encouraged but not advised. Talk to you all again, laters alligators!