I have four children who lean on me for emotional or financial support. There’s a time line that determines when your younger children will cherish the emotional support, and the ones who have reached 12 years plus are interested in a chaffeur and an endless wad of cash. Wish I was young again, but my parents were poor. I have learnt a number of skills in this phase of my life, lots of gourmet pizza’s, cooking the perfect mud crab, and blue swimmers, great healthy sandwiches with the best cold meats, salads and cheese, and lots of seafood, steamed. But, still not enough sleep. My daughter Jess came over this weekend and chipped in with her ‘support your daddy’ skills. I feel absolutely spoilt (and the credit card is now worn out), thanks Jess. Brad won 2 gold medals at Ju Jitsu, having fought 8 fights and winning 7 by submission and the last one on points. I think I can still clip him around the ears and get away with it?

Mental as …

20130405-224403.jpgWell folks, here’s the image of a potential cocktail of death lollies which in a momentary lapse of judgement or sanity could be extremely dangerous. ‘Stilnox’ was suspected as the possible cause of death for our infamous thespian joker, Heath Ledger. I liked Heath a lot, such a sudden and early loss to the Australian Acting Industry and to his family. Oh, and guess what? I have a packet of these candies in my medicine cabinet. I can take these at my leisure to assist with my troubling insomnia. Meanwhile, I tether and try to cope with my depression, I have to muster the strength not to self diagnose with too much Stilnox, which can be tempting during my dark moments. Go figure? I take Zoloft for the depression, and if that doesn’t work, I can chew my troubles away with Stilnox. I have decided to stop taking Stilnox as I completely lost one day this week. Ziltch, zero, nothing … I have no memory nor recollection from Tuesday noon till Wednesday night. Funny thing is that I experienced what they refer to as a side effect to the drug … ‘sleep walking’ … and of all places I gravitated to the local train station, watched trains, and somehow ended back home after 10pm on Tuesday. Brad offered me this insight the next day because he said I explained how I went bush walking and eventually sat down to keep watch on the timetable. I can’t remember a damn thing, except the trains, and I thought it was a dream. Everything else is a total blank. I actually woke up in a daze on Wednesday, believing it was still Tuesday. Gotta laugh, … yup, gotta laugh, now. Not sure how I navigated my way across 6 lanes of road to get where I was heading to, and back safely? Perhaps there was a carnage, flaming cars, and wreckage left in my wake, … I just don’t know. Last night, I set the iPad on YouTube and searched for a variety of ‘Meditation for Insomnia’ results. I played 3 different meditations, each one giving me about an hour of sleep in between each one. I’m sure I’ll find one that will set me to a deeper more lengthy slumber … one night … one night soon. On a final note, anyone seen the movie, Silver Lining Playbook? I totally relate to it, it was well directed and absolutely brilliant. The girl was in ‘Hunger Games’ and I’m sure everyone knows Bradley Cooper.

20130405-232300.jpg Love Hurts. Click here to watch the trailer!

444 Update

Ok, I’ve posted this topic once before, but I am compelled to revisit it because those numbers are visually dominating my peripheral space. Ton’s of examples and the latest includes flicking the overhead car stats display, and it showed that I had 444 kilometres of travel remaining before I would run out of fuel. Later in the day, I check the progress of a hard drive defragmentation (yeah, yeah, … what a geek), … and it was 44 GB’s done, representing 4% completed. And countless examples of looking at the clock anywhere on the Southern hemisphere (1st rock closer to the sun away from 4th rock), or receiving messages at 4:44. Although I think I mentioned this before, I’m certain that my ‘body clock alertness gene’ has been trained now to magnetically seek the time 4:44 everyday. I’m sure I have the 4:44 genetic strain in my DNA. I hope that’s cool, and if it is, my future seedlings will thank me for passing this trait onto them. Explains a lot of things, … a lot of things in this context. In the year 444, the wheelbarrow invented by a Chinese artisan will gain worldwide use as a labor-saving device. 444Looks like a movie night tonight, need to go buy or rent “4:44 Last Day on Earth”, stars Willem Dafoe. Anyone else regularly see the numbers 444? Here’s the earlier related post on 444. Mars is the 4th planet from the Sun, it has 4 letters and a Mars day is 40 minutes longer than an Earth day. The Roman God Mars is the God of Wars, W is an M upside-down. Mars rules the sign of Aries, which is represented by a Ram. Rams is Mars back-ways. So cool having time on my hand to look things up. Did someone just mumble, ‘nerd’ …. ???

What I think about at 3am

20130606-042907.jpgI understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of paper constantly suffocating people as they wake up each morning? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds, maybe 1. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you. What if you’re in hell and you’re mad at someone, … where do you tell them to go? Oh great, 4 out of the 5 voices in my head are saying to go back to sleep, so I’ll give it a try … again. See you peeps in a few more hours. My daughter Jess is back home, feels good to have another family support member, the psychologist says this will help me get through the grief process.

Validate someone today

insomnia“Lying here with my skull feeling like a sealed receptacle of angry wasps. I have a headache, … in fact it’s nothing more than what I can ordinarily handle, but more sinister is the unwanted thoughts of despair and the loss of hope. This has been plaguing me for the past few nights, progressively getting worse affecting my beauty sleep. I imagine that people with my condition can lie lifeless in the dark or on their own without the frequent tossing around in bed. We don’t grow frustrated with passing time as it’s inevitable, so we just lay there allowing the brain to pursue it’s flurry of activity. It’s a shame that people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotion.” This was an excerpt written in my personal diary years ago, today I’m on top of things with a supportive network of people around me. If you are aware of someone close to you who are not really themselves, … reach out. Everyone needs to be told that they are valued, wanted, and appreciated. Just do it.